Toxic Positivity Is On The Rise. Are You Guilty Of Spreading It?
The simple truth is we can’t heal grief with cat memes, or fix heartbreak with “Good vibes!”
BY CATHERINE RENTON – DEC 14, 2020
I’m a highly anxious person, whose brain turns every minor issue into a full-blown catastrophe. Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to friends rolling their eyes at my latest concern-of-the-day. But when my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer at age 58, loved ones treated it like another one of my “silly” problems. Instead of real support, I was bombarded with messages telling me to: “Think positive!”
When I tried to talk about my mom’s prognosis, my feelings were swept aside with statements like, “Everything will be OK!” and “Sending good vibes!” I know that no one really knows what to say at times like this, but I felt like I was being gaslit. The worse things in my life became, the more inane platitudes were sent my way. Friends were well-intentioned, but trying to suppress my pain with hyper-happy statements wasn’t helpful; it was toxic.
“When people use or demand positive emotions or optimism in a way that causes people to feel oppressed or disregarded, that’s toxic positivity,” Stephanie Preston, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Michigan explains. “It ranges from people actively trying to maintain their own spirits or sticking their heads in the sand, to forcefully preventing others from voicing uncomfortable concerns.” No matter how well meaning, such blind positivity can feel “repressive or invalidating to others,” Preston adds.
In a year with a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, and widespread social unrest, toxic positivity—where negative emotions like sadness, anxiety, worry, and disappointment are viewed as inherently wrong rather than just a normal part of the human experience—is rampant. “During the pandemic, we’re all struggling to deal with a situation we’ve never before experienced, and although we’re all going through it at the same time, not all of us are going through it the same way,” says Natalie Dattilo, Ph.D., Director of Psychology at Brigham and Women’s Hospital.
When Lynsey, 34, was laid off from her job of 10 years this summer, she found herself a target of toxic positivity. “I was terrified about the future, but my friends told me I should be grateful for my health, or be thankful that no one I loved had caught the virus.” She understood that even with her job loss she was still faring far better than some, but the lack of support from her friends impacted her mental health. “I got depressed and withdrew from people because I wasn’t able to talk to them without being sent ‘good vibes,’” Lynsey says. “I’m single, with no family support, and as much as I want my friends to be rooting for me, positive thoughts can’t pay my bills.” Read More
Kindness Is Contagious
Teach Your Children Well
Haidt, PhD, recalls the first time he heard South African civil rights leader Nelson Mandela speak after his release from prison. Jailed since the early 1960s, Mandela emerged in 1990 urging reconciliation and cooperation in building a democratic, post-apartheid South Africa.
“Here was a man who had been imprisoned his whole life,” says Haidt, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, in Charlottesville. “If anyone had a right to be angry, it was Mandela. Yet it was he who said that we all must work together.”
Haidt recalls a sensation upon hearing Mandela’s words, something subtle but undeniably real — something similar, perhaps, to what you felt the last time you witnessed any act of remarkable generosity or largeness of spirit: a momentary pause, a flutter in the chest, a tingling in the hands.
“It gave me chills,” Haidt recalls. “Just remembering it brings the sensation back.”
That “sensation,” Haidt believes, is neither an inconsequential response limited to one transitory moment of awe, nor a vague and indecipherable “feeling.” Rather, the effect that comes from witnessing acts of charity or courage may be a profoundly important universal phenomenon worthy of scientific research, he says.
Haidt is a pioneer in studying the effects that good deeds and acts of valor have on those who witness them — an effect he has termed “elevation.”
While Haidt’s work is still largely theoretical, he says parents can apply the principles of elevation in everyday interactions with children. For instance, he cites William Bennett’s The Book of Virtues — which describes models of virtuous behavior from history and literature — as a potent source of what he calls “moral exemplars” for kind and virtuous behavior.
“No one thing is going to make much of a difference, but talking about virtues and vices when they arrive in daily life, plus modeling virtuous behavior yourself, can help to create a sense of a moral world,” Haidt says. Read Full Story
The Power of Kindness
On a dog walk this summer, I strolled through a local Catholic university, and there it was: a sign with a Dalai Lama quote that said “Be Kind Whenever Possible. It is always possible.”
By Susana K. McCollom
Is it?
As the Institute for Spirituality and Health (ISH) celebrates its 60th anniversary, we asked more than 30 Americans a series of questions centered on spirituality, health, and inspiration.
On a daily basis, the Institute is immersed in spirituality-centric conversations with everyone from long-term associates to the drive-by visitor who stops in, wondering what ISH is about. We wanted to know if the language we encounter each day is echoed by the wider population that does not walk through our doors. What does spirituality mean for people, and how much does it matter?